What part of your story do you share in 5 minutes when there is so much to share. The part of my story that I would like to share with you today is the part that haunted me for many years, it’s called Anxiety. Not just anxiety but crippling anxiety. Mayo Clinic describes anxiety as intense, excessive and persistent worry and fear about everyday situations. It can cause fast heart rate, rapid breathing, and sweating. That is exactly how I experienced anxiety. It affected the way I lived. I pray that God would use my story to help someone else that may suffer from anxiety. 

I received Christ into my heart at the age of 12. I knew I was a sinner. I knew God sent his son to die on the cross for me and my sins. But I remember as a young child being taught to view God “as you better do right or God’s going to get you.” I was taught to fear God but with the wrong kind of fear. I knew that God was with me, I just had the wrong idea of who He was. I knew He was with me through the days of physical abuse from a spouse that ordered me to be submissive. I knew He was with me through the lonely nights of an unfaithful spouse. Although I knew He was there, I thought I had to earn His favor. I did not realize I was fighting a battle that had already been won. 

I would often think that whatever hard thing was happening to me was a result of God punishing me. Maybe I didn’t read my Bible that day, maybe I didn’t share enough, maybe I didn’t pray enough, maybe I said the wrong words. It would lead me to do a self-evaluation (which is good in the right context). But it led me to try and bargain with God. I would think, OK God, I’ve not read my Bible enough. I am sorry, please let this pain stop and I will do better. 

I allowed the anxiety to prevent me from enjoying the life that God had given me. I would not go on airplanes, buses or cruise ships because the thought of me not being in control of the situation was crippling. I thought what if I went and something happens to my family at home, I wouldn’t be able to get to them fast enough. What if the plane crashes, what if the cruise ship sinks. I thought “if I don’t go, then it won’t happen.” I would not eat in a restaurant alone because of the fear of what others may say about me. Don’t talk about death, because if you talked about it, it meant it was happening soon. Don’t send random texts or calls that just say I love you, because that means you know something and that means something is about to happen. Why am I having pain in my side, am I dying? I better research it and fix it. When I would travel, I always made note of the hospitals in the area just in case I needed to get to one quickly. Because if I was to far away and something happened, I may die before I get there. Many nights I would lay in bed and shake from the fears that ran through my mind. 

I can relate to Job in Job 4:13-14 HCSB 

”Among unsettling thoughts from visions in the night, when deep sleep descends on men, fear and trembling came over me and made all my bones shake.“ 

I never shared these thoughts with anyone. People would ask me “how do you do it, how are you so strong”. What they were seeing was God’s strength, not mine because I was dying inside. It was controlling my life. 

One of my fight verses during these years of anxiety was the verse in Matthew 6:25-26 where Jesus says “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, 

and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they.” 

God was working on my heart. After years of crippling anxiety, in 2015 I started to understand who God really was and who I was in Him. I started understanding that I was never in control, and that He is and always will be in control. 

The song Faithful Still by KingsPorch says it like this:

When my heart is racing deep inside my chest When I’m underneath the weight of anxiousness When my fear is raging, and I can’t catch my breath I will remember, You are faithful still God, you saw this long before I ever knew And your peace is waiting to see me through My deliverance is only found in You.
So I will surrender. 

(see pic) On October 24, 2015, I had the opportunity to go on my first mission trip with Samaritans Purse. It was at that moment I had a choice to either surrender my anxieties to Him or continue to live in bondage. Of course, the thoughts of WHAT IF came rushing in. The trip required me to be on a bus, with a lot of strangers, to an unknown place, sleep on an air mattress, be 405 miles, 6 hrs away from my family for a week. Little did I know, God used those moments to change my life completely and forever. God was delivering me from this crippling anxiety. I have now served with Samaritan’s Purse and Billy Graham evangelistic association on 15+ trips. I am a chaplain and I get to share the love of Jesus with anxious hearts. God reminded me of His word in 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 “But He said to me, “my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” I have nothing to fear! It was after that trip that I viewed a long bus ride in a whole new way. I was able to help the new volunteers with overcoming their fears of being on a disaster relief trip. God continues to work on me, healing my mind. I have to take my thoughts captive daily. He has led me to know Him more deeply in His love and Gentleness. In 2023 my word of the year was sovereignty, because God knew I needed to learn more of his sovereignty and rest in it. 2023 was a hard year for us. We had circumstances that drew us nearer to God and His sovereignty. Knowing that the only option was to rest in Him. The scripture that I have on repeat almost daily in my mind is Romans 12:2 “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” 

If your story sounds similar to mine, I encourage you to Study Gods word, know who He is and who you are in Him, lean into His promises, trust that He loves you more than anything this world could offer. He is faithful! 

This is my story..... and I know how the story ends! We will be with Him again! I can rest in that now! I am free!